Learning Vietnamese has been one of the most humbling experiences in my life. And I mean humbling, not humiliating. I've been humiliated a time or two, but in general tasks, hobbies, educational efforts and athletic pursuits have come easily to me. Outside of getting my ass kicked by semiprofessional modern dancers in the 80s when I moved to Seattle to dance, I can't think of any other huge challenge like this. The difference is that I quit dancing post haste and took up soccer. And I was successful in the soccer pursuit. I haven't given up yet on the Vietnamese. Yet.
When I write "chủng tộc của tôi trái tim," I want this to say "I've been having heart palpitations." Seems straightforward enough but I won't be too surprised if it says "My heart is in a drag race on 8th avenue with all the other hearts."
This is humbling for me. Because I know that if I'm wrong, it will elicit amused chuckles or outright guffaws from my audience. Some days I'm OK with that; lately, not so much.
Tôi đang thử
The reason I stick with it is the whole point of this blog: the learning of Viet is a metaphor that helps me to understand myself and my life as I age. What was I doing all those years? And more importantly, what do I want to be doing in the years ahead? For some reason, drilling the alcoholism and PTSD down to these really complicated and subtle pronouns and verbs has been profound for me.
Tôi buồn
Been having plenty of problems lately with despair and anxiety. It's like my regular adjustment disorder and dysthymia ate Jack's magic beans and now they are filling up every bit of free space in my cells. And it's gotten so bad that I can't meditate because I can't get my emotions aside enough to get near the emptiness. For months now.
Finally my heart went whacky on me as a result, so I went to the doctor and she amped up my meds, which I'm not loving, but I'm willing to give it a try for a month. (She did give me one prn med that is absolutely useless and I won't take it again. Yeah, it relieves anxiety. It also relieve consciousness.Tôi đang ngủ.)
Specifically, I struggle so with Vietnamese because it comes so SLOWLY and I'm used to picking things up quickly. It takes me forever to learn all the vowels and to type and to look up the words and forever and ever and ever to translate the assignments that Master Kim gives me.
So the meds may or may not help, but for now I'm not in tears all day. I can once again meditate. And I can (mostly) handle this super slow learning pace without falling apart and crying over it.
In Buddhism we practice mindfulness and presence.
In AA we really practice dailiness, the business of just taking one day at a time, so as not to get overwhelmed by the prospect of coping. I have these two flash card over my desk at the home office:
Hôm nay. Nơi đây.
You are not alone, I assure you! I had been trying to study Vietnamese for a couple of years, but I never made any progress until I actually came to live here, and still it remains a tragically slow endeavor. I feel like a 2-year old with a parent, much of the time, as after I blurt out a Vietnamese phrase people look to Tho for translation. Awkwardness abounds. But we try, right?
ReplyDeleteGood luck, and chúc mừng năm mới!